Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Read This
by Kuzuye
Summary: A bear named Kimberly Shanice Real is found near Banjo's home in the dead winter. Kazooie doesn't take too kindly to her, but is it jealousy? Or is something wrong with Kimberly? Sometimes, things are NEVER always what they seem. Warnings? See title.
1. Chapter: A bear named Kimberly Shanice R...

Disclaimer: Another fanfic, another long, sarcastic disclaimer. I can just hear the cheers of joy (sarcasm). The only characters who belong to me are Kimberly Shanice Real, the ghost, the doctor and the two nurses. Oh, and the avianine (a.k.a the puppy with wings). The school belongs to me too. Most importantly, I own the storyline. Hooray. But let's face it folks, why would you want to steal this story? It's long, bad and not good! It's not too late! Go read Benjamin T. Kitsune, or another fantastic writer on the Banjo-Kazooie genre of Fanfiction.net. But remember, kids:

"Abandon Hope All Ye Who Read This"

~Prologue~

Time: A year before Banjo-Tooie

Place: Spiral Mountain.

Tootysighed as the first specks of snow appeared on the window. It wasn't that she didn't like the snow. In fact, she loved it. But it also gave her lazy bigger brother, Banjo, an excuse to sleep all winter. Hibernation was the long, tedious process that she had watched winter after winter, and her only companion was the red-crested breegull sitting restlessly in the blue backpack. Apparently, she didn't like the winter either. Banjo being her only source of entertainment since the television had broken down, she'd be bored, not to mention a bit cranky. Not that she wasn't always "a bit cranky", that is. Days turned into weeks and still the winter held up. Sometimes, the only thing to do was to observe Banjo as his body temperature dropped, as is the case in hibernation, and listen to his snores day in day out. Nothing would happen until Banjo awoke; somehow, Banjo and Kazooie together in any situation always brought.... um.... a new experience! How right the little bear was...

PART 1: A bear named Kimberly Shanice Real

Kazooie ticked off another day on the calendar. Only a month more to go until spring at last, and the few hours Banjo was a conscious being were growing slightly longer. And just when things were going fine....

".... Yeah, Bob, it's been some time since we've seen weather like this! A blizzard this serious so close to the beginning of spring with no warning whatsoever! We're asking residents to stay indoors, this looks like it could get serious."

Kazooie groaned. "If that $%^#&#$ blizzard doesn't go away, I'm gonna SERIOUSLY hurt someone!" Tooty moved away somewhat. An angry breegull was something she tended to avoid, especially when the only other witness was sleeping. What happened next came without warning. A huge explosion came from all around them, awakening Banjo.

"Huh? What happened? I was just dreaming about-"

"No time for dreaming, Banjo! Something just happened!" screeched the breegull from the backpack.

"Keep your feathers on!" shouted Banjo, racing towards the door. Tooty came up to him.

"Can I come too, Banjo?" she pleaded, "Pleeease?"

"It's too dangerous, Tooty!" And with that, the dynamic duo left the house, leaving a bored-out-of-brains Tooty. Why did THEY always get to do the exciting things, anyway?

**************************

"It came from over there!"

"Over where? All I see is- hey! Look!" shouted Kazooie. Banjo stared out in front of him. It seemed like a huge pile of scrap metal piled up in a heap. It almost seemed to him that he heard something.... or someone.

"Kazooie, I think somebody's in there!"

"What are you, half-asleep?! Anybody in there would be mush by now- kinda like your brains!" The bear ignored her. Underneath the metal, he thought he saw a beautiful set of huge, blue eyes looking back at him... and they were very much alive.

"Help me... someone... please... I'm cold..." Kazooie stared.

"You're lucky!" she exclaimed in amazement. Banjo again ignored her, and proceeded to lift the metal off of her carefully, Kazooie itching to beak-bust the metal, but well aware that if this wasn't done carefully, the bear would be crushed under all the metal. As the last piece was lifted up, they both got another surprise- she was well intact! Except for a sprained ankle, she seemed fine. Banjo gaped.

"How did- But- You were crushed!"

"As your friend said, I was lucky. Thank-you, so much... I thought I was going to die...." Limping towards Banjo, she gave him a firm hug. "Thank you... oh thank you so much."

Banjo looked a bit uncomfortable. "Um... let's go back to my house before we freeze, um..."

"Kimberly. Kimberly Shanice Real... But my friends call me Kim Shaney." Kazooie let out a snicker. "Kim Shaney? As in 'The Real Kim Shaney?'"

The bear look at her smiling, but in a strange light.

"That's Slim Shady, Ma'am." She turned to Banjo. "And who are you?"

"Um... I'm Banjo, and this here's Kazooie."

"Oh. Your wife?" If Banjo had turned any redder, Kazooie would have thought she was had met a cousin.

"Not in this universe!" Kazooie shouted.

"So... you're his girlfriend?"

"Do I LOOK like his girlfriend to you?!"

"Um... um.. uhuh," stuttered Banjo. Kazooie nearly bored through his head with her beak. "I mean, um... no!"

"@#$%!^!%!^@!!$!!!" commented Kazooie. Banjo was carrying the bear all this time, until eventually, they arrived at Banjo's year-round home. At that time, Tooty was eagerly awaiting them.

"Who's this, Banjo?"

"Um... th-th-this is-"

"That's Slim Shady over there, and that-" Kazooie pointed to Banjo "-is a brain on drugs!" Tooty looked a bit confused. Finally, the bear explained. "Hello! I'm Kim Shaney Real. And who are you?"

"I'm Tooty!" smiled Tooty.

"Tooty.. That's a wonderful name, isn't it, Banjo?" Banjo only nodded dimly, leaving Kazooie a bit pissed at his spaced out behaviour. Finally, the bear reached over and gave him a small kiss on the cheek. "Thanks again for saving my life," she smiled. Banjo flushed as if he were going to turn into a yumblie. Oh brother, thought Kazooie. Banjo nodded again and looked around for something to put on her swollen ankle. "You're a nice person... Banjo. I'll never forget you." Kazooie rolled her eyes. It was quite obvious that he was in love, and all this romance was making her feel sick. Tooty, on the other hand, was absorbing every single detail with great interest. The red breegull, however, sighed. If there was one thing worse than being stuck inside with a blizzard outside, it was being stuck inside with THOSE two. Maybe they would stop making goo-goo eyes at each other if she could wait them out...

Banjo watched her. Hey eyes were beautiful, he realized. Then, he shook his head. Things were going way too fast for him. He had known her for about... one hour, and he was already falling fast. If he wasn't careful, she could run off with his heart; he could already see it coming...

*************************************

It was night-time. There should have been no noise, thought Kazooie irritably. Yet the sound of soft whispers reached her ears. "... Yes, I know. But... I can't do it so soon," whispered Banjo.

"I think it's time, Banjo."

"But... but it's so... I mean, shouldn't we wait?"

"Wait... You have to take it off sooner or later. Why not now?" Kazooie shuddered a bit.

"Go back to sleep, Kaz.... go back to... no way!" Kazooie whispered to herself. Stepping out of the backpack, she slowly walked towards the scene taking place in the kitchen. "What the heck are you-" then, she stopped. Banjo was inspecting Kim Shaney's bandages, and her ankle at this point looked like a basketball.

"Oh, hello, Kazooie. Did we wake you?" said "Ms Perfect Wannabe". 

Kazooie just scoffed. "Where's the #@%^@!$!@# coffee?!" 

Banjo raised an eyebrow. "But Kazooie, it's one in the morning! Besides, you don't drink coffee."

"C'mon, Kazooie. Coffee is bad for you- I can make some tea if you want." Kazooie gave Kim a nasty look. "No way, and you just... keep away from Banjo, got it?" Kazooie then retreated to the backpack. Kim looked stricken. "What is wrong with her, Banjo?"

"It's one in the morning... maybe she's just cranky." Kim Shaney shrugged, and again began arguing with Banjo about taking of her bandage.

********************************

Kazooie activated the wonderwing with a flourish the next day. If they were going to be good enough for Banjo-Tooie, they had to practise their moves(Kazooie only needed a small bribe; that's an improvement). Finally, she pecked Banjo's head. "Hey, Fuzzbreath! I need a drink," she said, then hopped out of the backpack and headed towards the kitchen.

Meanwhile, Kim was cutting limes to make lemonade. No reason, she just felt a bit bored. It was at that exact time that she realized that she coaxed Banjo into removing the bandage a bit too soon. Her leg buckled underneath her, and in a wild grab, her hand hit the knife on the counter. This caused it to catapult into the livingroom at deadly speed. Terrified, Kim limped out into the livingroom, where Kazooie had her wings crossed in front of her face.

Kazooie had been just about to enter the kitchen when a sharp knife hurtled directly at her face! It was only fortunate that she still had one golden feather. Activating wonderwing, she deflected the knife towards the ceiling where it buried itself in the wood.

"Are you ok, Kazooie? Are you hurt?" Kazooie could only stand there, wide-eyed.

"You tried to murder me!" Kazooie screeched accusingly at her.

"I didn't... it was an accident!"

"Murderer! Killer!" Kazooie shouted at her. Kim approached her, a bit sorrowful. "What do you have against me?"

"Other than the fact that you tried to kill me? Oh, nothing." Banjo finally reached the room, having heard the noise. "What's wrong, Kazooie?"

"Your 'friend' just tried to kill me!" screeched Kazooie. 

Banjo looked up at the ceiling. "Um... maybe it was an accident. Why would she want to kill you?" Kazooie glared at Kim, then went into the kitchen, mumbling some... um... "indecent language". Kim sighed.

"Banjo, I don't think she likes me."

"Well... Kazooie's just crankier than usual this winter. Maybe I can-"

"No... she has a point. I just came into your house like this. Maybe I should leave-"

"No! Kazooie needs to get along with people!" Kim nodded and left to find Kazooie.

Kazooie glared at Kim as she came into the room. Kim swallowed, then began "I'm sorry we got off on the wrong paw, Kazooie." Kazooie only continued to glare at her. "Well... um... we need to talk."

"About what, Eminerd? My funeral?"

"I need to ask you something. Are you jealous of me?"

"For what? Your non-existent good looks?"

Kim looked into Kazooie's face. "I mean... you know... him."

"Him who? Cough it out, already!"

"Banjo."

Kazooie made a face. "You wish!"

"I just thought... you'd want to take your relationship to another level."

"Look, he's a great friend and all, but I don't- hey, stop changing the subject! You tried to kill me! What, are YOU jealous?"

The bear smiled. "He is sweet... But I wouldn't kill for him." Kazooie scoffed. "And I suppose impaling me with a kitchen knife wouldn't?"

Kim's face turned angry. "That was an accident! I would never-"

"Yeah, right. Save it for when you sweet-talk Banjo," Kazooie threw back. Kim's eyes were on the verge of tears. But the harsh breegull wasn't finished. "What I'm trying to say is, get the heck outta here!" Kim wiped her eyes and swallowed. "If... if that's how you feel-"

"And it is!"

"I'll... I'll leave as soon as the blizzard is over," and she left the room, confused as to what the breegull had against her. Kazooie watched the girl until she left, feeling little if any remorse.

***********************************

Banjo watched Kim for some time. Her face was contorted with worry, and her entire body shook with unhappiness. "What's wrong, Kim?"

"Um... nothing."

"Kazooie again?" Kim looked down at his question. "I don't know what's wrong with Kazooie right now. She's never acted this mean before."

"I... Have... um, nevermind."

"What? What is it?"

"I won't say it. It's not right of me to say that."

"What is it?" Banjo was burning with curiousity. "What do you want to say?"

"If you want to know... Have you ever thought that she might have a crush on you?" His eyes widened.

"Kazooie? On ME? That's impossible."

"That's what I thought." Kim smiled, feeling a bit better. "I need to know this... what do you think of me?" Banjo turned slightly red.

"Um... well, um... you're beautiful, nice... um... um..." He blushed even redder. "And you're... um..." Kim moved a bit closer to him, turning a bit red herself. Banjo, in the meanwhile, continued to stutter. "You're... you're...."

He was aware of an arm being place on his shoulder. The hand move up around his neck, and suddenly, Kim's mouth was over his. Banjo stiffened under her, and unsurely, put an arm around her as well.

In the next room, Kazooie was finally beginning to cool herself and think about the situation. She needed to talk to Banjo. Maybe talk some sense into him as well. Tooty was hibernating somewhere in the room- she hadn't slept all winter. Passing the sleeping bearcub, Kazooie went out into the living room- to find Kim and Banjo totally encompassed in a VERY... how to say... passionate position. Kazooie stood watching them in a fit of shock as the scene took place. Then, she walked in, looking more than angry and said,"How does kissing a slimebag feel, Banjo?" The two pulled away from each other, giving Kazooie an embarrassed stare. "Next time you want to make out in the living room, wait till I'm dead first!" Kim was about to speak, but thought better of it. Besides that, the stream of um.... "words" from Kazooie caused the plants to wilt, and Banjo to draw back in a cross between shock and nerves. Needless to say, Kimberly and Banjo avoided Kazooie for the rest of the day.

******************************


	2. Missing!

PART 2: Missing!

That night, Kazooie had a peculiar dream. She dreamt that Banjo and Kimberly were kissing again. But then, something made her eyes widen. Kimberly reached over Banjo's neck and BIT him! Banjo reacted quickly and grabbed her arm in pain. Kazooie tried to come towards them, but she could hardly move. Then, she was in the backpack, wide awake, but noticing that the only persons in the room were herself and Banjo. "Jeez... what a dream. Note to self- not so many worms before going to sleep" she said foggily to herself. In the quiet, cozy backpack, sleep came quickly.

*********************************

The next day, Kazooie noticed Banjo sitting quietly on his bed, watching the backpack intensely. His head was bent to one side, concealing the right side of his neck. Outside, the wind was still, and the snow had ceased falling, she noticed. A bit suspicious about her dream, Kazooie approached him. "What're YOU staring at?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing looks pretty interesting, eh, Banjo?"

"Guh huh."

"What's the matter with you? Didn't you eat your Wheaties this morning?" Banjo nodded dimly. Shrugging, Kazooie went into the shower to do wash off the dirt of the previous day. Shaking herself dry, she began preening herself with her beak. But as she entered the bedroom, something occurred to her: it was eight o' clock. Banjo was never awake, farless dressed, until noon, if it was a good day. And Tooty's bed was empty. In fact, the entire house was unnaturally quiet, and she realized that the HOUSE was empty. Opening the door, Kazooie saw the tell tale signs of footprints leading off into the distance.

One her quest to follow them, she saw a molehill. Suppose... "Hey, Beetle Breath!" Her voice echoed down the hole. "Any idiot down there?" Again, no sign of life. Bottles the mole obviously wasn't there. But a smaller, round set of prints joined the other three... three? There was something peculiar going on... Finally, she reached a place where the footprints disappeared. Kazooie sighed and looked around. Suppose they were hiding? Kazooie took a step forward- and disappeared herself.

When the red-crested breegull regained her senses, she realized that she was in a damp, dark prison. On either side of her, men old enough to be her grandfather were crammed, in some cases five to a 6' by 6' cell. And not one of them was unharmed. Some of the prisoners were missing the proper body-parts, some seemed to be in the various stages of various disease, while almost all sported open wounds of some sort. Kazooie suddenly wondered where the HECK she was. As the breegull passed the entrance, an old, wrinkled hand grabbed hers. "Hey! What the-"

"H-here... miss.... Maybe... there's... hope... for you..." Kazooie bent down to view the old man. Then, something shocked her- he wasn't that old at all! He was perhaps in his late thirties- early forties. Not old enough to look as wrinkled and weathered as that hand which grabbed hers.

The face pretty much resembled a skull with a piece of browning leather stretched to breaking over it. "What in the hell?!"

"Yes.... th-this is hell... I haven't eaten in... how long again? T-take this k-key and get out, miss... before... you meet a fate... like mine..."

"Hey! Have you seen a-"

"Get... out... or you'll... suffer... long..." He handed Kazooie a silver and gold key. "Use... this... at the... Center.... Gate..." Kazooie took the key, and realized that the man had gone limp. Dead. Shaking off a severe shudder, Kazooie walked toward the light, and snuck out the open door. As she left, she noticed a sign which said, 'DEATH ROOM". "Gee, now ain't THAT the truth," though Kazooie, as she crept down the empty, carpeted hallway.

The breegull stepped lightly down the foreboding hallway, looking suspiciously from place to place- even the tiger striped carpeting seemed threatening. Time to look for Banjo. "Banjo?" she called. "Hey, Fuzz-face, you here?" No response. Kazooie had the sudden urge to turn around- someone was behind of her. She counted three in her mind, then turned. A single frail-looking butler studied her carefully, then stated, "Who are you? Are you a student?"

"Who are you and where's-"

"Oh, your room? I'm so sorry, miss. Your room. Yes, of course, miss." he interrupted nervously. "I am slave number 103452." Kazooie only blinked as the frightened butler led her through the beautifully carpeted hallway. As Kazooie stepped through the carpet, she couldn't help but admire the soft, black and gold under her feet. The edges of the ceilings were seemed to be attached to the walls with gold. And the beautiful walls were lined with large pillars, which were themselves decorated with gold. The butler reached a brown door, carved with the faces of three vampiric women, one holding a golden locket. Finally, he faced her. "Yes, miss. Here is the school information regarding the schedules, eating times, map of the school and services. Is there anything I can get for you, miss? Food? Dress? Personal slave?" Kazooie shook her head, giving him a strange look. The man opened the door, quivering, and handed her a large envelope.

Inside, two pretty girls, one a feline, the other a human, were sitting on a bed, surrounded by haggard-looking people. The people of different species and ages but all male were at work, painting the girls' nail, tending their hair, fanning them. Two young squirrels held up a silver bowls of chocolates for the seemingly very spoilt girls. And the vain girls checked themselves in the mirror which a hapless monkey held up for them. All the creature seemed miserable. No sign of Banjo, Tooty, Bottles or the infamous Kimberly Shanice Real. A young -looked like a puppy with wings- slave ran towards Kazooie, who impatiently whispered to him,

"Jeez! Go jump in a pool." The small slave, who was probably three, began crying in terror.

"Please don't, miss! I can't swim! I can't swim! I'm scared!"

Kazooie looked at him in amazement. "Good grief, kid. I didn't mean actually go drown yourself."

The feline girl gave the child a disgusted look. "Be quiet! Guard! Two hundred and fifty stripes for this little delinquent." A huge, burly gruntling grabbed the sobbing child by his little paw as Kazooie stood up in front of the child.

"Hey! Are you people crazy?! That'll kill the kid!" The human girl giggled at her and whispered to the other, and they both muttered,

"Stupid new students." Kazooie watched the guard, as he raised a wicked-looking whip to the child. She didn't usually get in the middle of things like this, but the kid had been on the earth for four years at most.

"Leave him alone, green butt!" The child looked seriously surprised, as did everyone else in the room. The guard held the child, then dropped him to the ground, giving him a bad look before going into the hidden room. The breegull was surprised; she hadn't expected him to obey her. Kazooie turned to the child, who kneeled at and hugged her feet. "Ok, ok. I need some personal space, already," she said, prying him away from her paling feet. The child grabbed her wing and kissed it reverently, before going out another door in the room. Ooookaaay, theeen... weird, thought the breegull. The girls turned to Kazooie. 

"You must be a new student, I suppose."

"Yes, I suppose," echoed the human.

"You really mustn't bother with the slaves. Afterall, they're only slaves."

"Yes. Only slaves." Kazooie looked bothered. The feline continued.

"I suppose you want to know my name. I am Maxine Alexandra Marie Christina Frans the fourth, daughter of King Madrice Frans the eight, heir to a six billion dollar estate." Kazooie swallowed. The human who had been echoing the feline introduced herself, "Me, I am Elizabeth Christina Francesca Mecris, daughter of King Francois Mecris the seventh, heir to a five billion dollar estate." Kazooie simply stared at them.

"Well I'm-"

"New wealth?!"

"New wealth?!"

"Of course. Only something as ridiculously disgusting as new wealth would cancel the rightful punishment of a disobedient slave," said the feline. Kazooie looked at the ridiculously snobbish girls."New wealth. You can see it in her, can't you? So brash and distasteful."

"Yes, distasteful," said the human, making a face.

Kazooie rolled her eyes. "Aw, shut up, furball and monkey girl!" Let her be "distasteful". At least she would be the one with brains at the end. Finally, she opened the envelope. She was about to view the map of the school, but just then, a slave came in, ringing a small silver bell. "Dinner is served." Dinner turned out to be caviar, pate, escargot, and biscuits. Kazooie suspiciously pecked a small escargot- and immediately spat it out. "This tastes like oil!" she declared. Nothing like the juicy worms that she was accustomed to.The two snobs turned up their noses and whispered to each other. "NEW wealth could never appreciate the finer things in life."

"Never appreciate them."

"If she were a slave, I'd give give her two hundred stripes."

"Of course! Two hundred stripes!"

"Yeah, well your not exactly peaches and cream yourselves, powder butts." Deciding against probably poisoning herself, she viewed the map, not touching any of the disgusting-looking stuff on the plate.

***************************

That night, the breegull opened her eyes, wincing slightly at the loud snores of her roommates. Opening the door, she snuck out into the carpeted hallway. The one thing she wanted to find on the map turned out to be behind a great carved door, with the profiles of three vampiric women carved on the front. One had huge ears, like an elf, the other had small ears and the hand of one woman was carved so that it looked as if it was holding the knocker. Kazooie looked down at the map. "Knock once, but not too loud, knock twice, but not too soft. The third may let you enter if she fares well." Sighing, she lifted a wing to hold the knocker, but suddenly, a closed wooden eye opened.

"Ah! You want to enter the library?" Kazooie shrugged and knocked softly. The woman smiled and bared her polished wooden teeth. "I would have killed you had you knocked any louder." The breegull ignored that and waited as the second woman awoke. Kazooie knocked loudly, feeling the vibrations through the room. The third woman awoke rather crankily. "I'm awake. I have no time to threaten you; just talk to my sister.

Kazooie rolled her eyes and tapped her feet impatiently. "If this place gets any cornier-"

"My library is corny, is it?!" said the woman whose hand held the knocker. "Then answer this. What red thing must you give me before you enter?" Kazooie tapped. "Listen, sequoia face, I gotta get into the-"

"Give up?" she sneered.

"Whatever, termite nose," sounded Kazooie impatiently.

"Then let me give you a hint," said the wooden woman. She suddenly lunged forward out of the wooden background and returned to her position in the door. Kazooie was so fazed by the attack, she only felt the pain after she saw blood spatter on the door and ooze out of her wing, colouring the yellow tips red. The bird watched up in shock as the door laughed. "Be glad I ask nothing more from you, rude child. Enter." Kazooie silently eyed the door, still holding her bleeding wing. But as soon as she was inside the library, looked back at the door, saying, "Just wait 'til my friends, the woodpeckers show up, mahogany butt!

Before doing anything else, Kazooie inspected the injured wing. It wasn't that badly hurt, and the pain had already begun to subside. Finally, she looked around the huge library. The walls were a cream colour, and the ceiling was stained glass, designed in the shape of...those three vampiric women. Kazooie figured that she had had enough of them, especially the one who always seemed to be holding a golden... was it is a locket?.... in her hand, except for that one time when she held the locker on the door to the library.


	3. Banjo vs. himself... or is it?

PART 3: Banjo vs. himself... or is it?

Kazooie looked around the huge library, and eventually decided to actually look at one of the books. There was no information, rather a list of names, ages, descriptions and the like. However, Kazooie noticed that the entries were things like, "Adesis Bek 25yrs Male Strong, but stubborn; to be tortured for disobedience." Kazooie gulped. The next name on the list was, "Banjo Bear 16yrs Male Crystal power."

"What the heck is 'crystal power'?" she wondered, surveying the room.

Without warning, a pair of arms grabbed her from behind and dashed her body to the floor. As she was about to peck whoever's face, he shushed her and slowly helped her off of the ground. Kazooie found herself facing Banjo. "Now can we shut this place d-"

"Kazooie... I can't," he sighed unhappily.

"What the heck do you mean by that?!" screeched Kazooie.

"I... I can't tell you."

"Say what?" Banjo sighed. In the millisecond between scenes, he realized that he had a cut on his wrist. As he stared at it, the slash disappeared.

"I took the blow for that, bear..."said a voice. Banjo forced the voice out of his head before continuing.

"Kazooie, I- Kimberly." Kazooie turned around and eyed the saddened face of Kimberly. "What the heck are you doing here?" asked Kazooie suspiciously.

"Kazooie, I know how this sounds but... you have to leave," said the girl.

"Without Banjo? Not on your life."

"Kazooie, for your own good-"

"Oh, shut up, Eminut!" At this outburst, Kimberly went silent. Finally, after some time, she began again.

"Banjo belongs here now. You don't want-"

"To have to kill you right now?!"

"Please, Kazooie... leave."

"NO, and you can't make me!" 

Kimberly looked at Banjo, as if telling him some secret with only her eyes. Banjo nodded. There was still some faraway hope that he would not have to harm her at all. The hope that somehow, she would at last be able to escape this place, leaving him alone... Finally, Banjo grabbed her wing, and dragged her struggling form along the hallway. "What the heck is wrong with you?! Have you gone completely insane?!" she screeched loudly.

"I told you to leave! Why don't you ever-"

"What, leave you to die?! Because I must be going nuts!!" 

Banjo twisted his face as if he were in pain. "Don't do this. You'll be okay, Kazooie, I promise. As long as you just relax and do what you're supposed to, you won't get hurt... please."

"Are you-!!

He ignored her. "You'll just maybe spend another week here and then you're free. You can forget about this place and-" But Kazooie had had all she could stomach of him. Pecking his paw, she sped off into the other direction, hoping to find a way to trap him somehow. But as she passed the door of the library, a mist seemed to rush out at her, preventing her from seeing anything but a huge cloud of white. When it cleared, she realized that something was dangerously wrong. The doors were at least ten times their original size.... or was it the other way? She was ten times smaller! Kazooie had run straight into a spell, and she could only hope that it wasn't permanent...

A hand picked her up by her thin body and held her to the smiling face of Kimberly. But this smile was strange, even... evil. It shocked Kazooie to the point of near-terror. "Hey! Let me-" But her protests were cut off abruptly as she was forced into a glass jar and placed into the small purse which hung at Kimberly's side. "No! Baaaanjooo! Baaaanjooooo! Let me out!!! HEY!!" After several minutes of screaming and protesting, the breegull realized that she would not be freed from the jar. It seemed hopeless. The only thing to be done now was to sit on the cold glass floor and wait...

Kazooie was still waiting an hour later. It seemed that the longer she waited, the more hope seemed to be escaping from the very air she breathed. And the more she thought about it, the more her anger seemed to be increasing. Anger and confusion. Why was he doing this? Had their friendship soured so much that he not only disliked, but hated her? Finally, she was being moved from the purse. Air! Light at last! The feeling would have cheered her, had Banjo been with her. But there was never time to feel sorry for oneself, as she soon met two familiar faces as she was set on a shelf with two other glass jars... "Oh, jeez. It's Coke Bottles and Bone Brain. Yay."

"Mumbo much happy to see bird too. Practise sarcasm."

"Hello, chicken legs."

"At least I've got legs, Bug Breath." And so the delightful conversation between the three went on. But in another room, just out of hearing distance, a by far less pleasant conversation was being carried out...

"No! Anything else but that! I can't!" Banjo protested in shock and anger.

"You have to. If she escapes, our organization will be attacked. Our safety is being threatened, Banjo, and there is no place for young women such as herself in here."

"I can't hurt her! There has to be another way to-"

"You are to destroy her."

"But... but... _I promised her that nothing would happen to her_-!"

"And promises can be broken, can't they?" Kimberly's eyes were cold as ice as she spoke, giving Banjo goosebumps up his body.

"Go, Banjo. If you want to be with Kimberly, you have to get rid of her first."

"She's my best friend!"

"And I have control over you and Kimberly! So... I'm afraid you don't have any choice. You have to kill the breegull known as Kazooie. And make it brutal." She smiled that creepy, evil smile again. "That is all."

Kimberly entered the room containing the arguing trio and removed one jar from the display containing a little, red breegull. As Kazooie watched her acquaintances, a feeling of trouble was shooting up her body...

The jar was roughly opened, and the breegull was thrown out to land flat on her back. As she got up, she realized that everything was its normal size; apparently, the shrink spell only lasted while she was inside the jar. Something was wrong, obviously. The place was far too quiet, and the carpeted hallway looked deserted. The breegull looked through the hallways for some sign of life, but there was nothing. As she stepped forward, a huge flowerpot the size of Swallowing, she stepped back... into a larger, furry person. "Looking for someone?"

"Banjo!... I think." The bear looked as if he was lost in space. "He warned you, didn't he? He told you that your life was at risk and you didn't listen, did you?"

"Who's there?!" A ghostly entity was floating above her, sneering down on herself and Banjo.

"Your friend has been quite a delightful host, so far... his healthy body and my powers will do nicely." It was only then that Kazooie realized what had happened. "Go, on. Your entitled to three guesses before you die."

Kazooie blinked. "So the candy that melts in your mouth, not in your hand was after me afterall!"

"Or myself possessing her was. But when she brought me to your humble abode... well... this was too good to pass up."

"But what'd you want Goggles and Bone head for?"

"Why... as slaves, of course. And that young blonde will make a fine item for the other school."

"And those half-dead-"

"I don't always have time to care for them properly, afterall. But your three guesses are up. Banjo... kill her."

Banjo looked up at the entity. "I'm sorry," he whispered, even though he knew that Kazooie couldn't hear him.

"I'll kick your butt!" Kazooie cried. Banjo, on the other hand, launched his attack soundlessly, attempting to rush her. The breegull stepped easily out of the way, while watching him slam into the wall beside her. The bear stood up, slowly shook his head and attempted to grab her, but she was far too agile for his slow paws. However, her well timed pecks were getting him all over his body, causing him to lose his balance, which made targeting him even easier. "Ha! You'll be so easy, I'll laugh!" But when she pecked him, she missed, over-balancing herself and giving the possessed Banjo the chance to grab her by her feet and dangle her above the floor. The spirit laughed. "Good, good. Now, it's your turn, my dear feathered pillow." The bear slammed her into the ground, and stood above her, a fist aimed for her face. It hit, but before he could do it again, Kazooie kicked him off.

Banjo looked at his best friend. He didn't even want to harm her (not much, anyway), but killing her was something he didn't even want to think about. But that ghostly... thing was above his head, holding an iron grip on his mind. Banjo began to fight: fight to regain the right to control his own body.

But as Kazooie turned around, he took up a huge vase, large enough to hold a palm tree, and threw it at her. Kazooie ducked, but the vase smashed on the spot where she had been standing. Kazooie was not moving. In fact, she looked dead. The bear gasped.

"Kazooie? Are- are you okay?" The was no response. He came closer to her, mortally afraid of what he had been forced to do. As he looked over her quiet face, the green eyes suddenly opened, and she got to her feet, knocking him unto his back. "SUCKER!!!!"

Banjo looked up. In one of Kazooie's wings, a large piece of the vase was nested there, the sharp point facing his throat. Kazooie moved it towards his neck, pressing it until the bear thought that she was about to kill him. Suddenly, she threw the knife into the ghost, which suddenly howled and flew down at her, causing her to jump towards the door. Banjo found that the invasion in his mind was getting stronger, as if it was getting more energy... or as if it was trying to do the most damage before it -could it die?- left. As Kazooie spotted the door, she suddenly remember the three vampiric women, but it was too late; wooden arms reached out to grab her body and hold her still as Banjo attacked her visciously, and the other vampires nicked at her already bleeding body. But she could still kick. The force of her long legs caused him to land, in a heap, on the floor. Kazooie managed to escape the wooden arms of the door, so she felt around for any weapon she could have used to protect herself, as the power of the spirit inhabiting Banjo's mind picked up a large, heavy vase. Finally, the breegull's wings picked up a piece of the other broken vase. As Banjo threw the vase, she launched the piece directly at his heart. They both struck. Banjo growled, fell to the ground, and lay still. Kazooie saw the vase strike her ribs before she felt it. But the sickening crack of something inside of her hinted that she was damaged. She never felt any pain, however, as the world blurred into one and eventually went black.

For the first time in days, Banjo felt his mind clear. He could move himself again. The spirit that had forced him to hurt so many people, including Tooty, Mumbo and Bottles, and most especially Kazooie, was being forced to leave. A black, thick substance flowed from the wound in his heart... and the wound sealed itself, leaving only a small, bleeding cut. The bear slowly came to his feet, and looked himself over. He was bleeding, but it had been the spirit which had received most of the damage. But frankly, he would rather have taken the damage than have something torturing and controlling him day after day. Banjo watched the floor.... and gasped. For this was no pretence- Kazooie was really lying, bleeding and unconscious, at his feet.

Kimberly entered the room. She looked as if she had been crying; her eyes were reddened and her face dirty with tears. "Banjo... " Before Banjo could stop her, she kissed him deeply, then grabbed the sharp vase epic from him and drove it into her own heart. 

"Kim! Kimberly! Why...?"

"Banjo..." The voice was not coming from Kimberly's body. "Up here."

"Where are you?!" Banjo cried, loudly.

"I'm free, Banjo. And it's because of you."

"What did I do? I couldn't even defeat the spirit... and because of that..." he looked at Kazooie and sighed deeply.

"No.... It wasn't what you did, but what you felt. You knew that you were giving up your mind when you followed me, but you did, anyway."

"But I got everyone involved too!" he cried in anguish.

"You didn't know what plans it had! You couldn't have known..."

"And now you're dead." A light-blue mist engulfed him, comforting him. It finally began to get solid, as it formed another beautiful bear... one Banjo could not quite recognize, but just barely remembered.

"Kimberly?"

"I'm not Kimberly, Banjo. Kimberly is.... look." Banjo looked. All that was left of Kimberly now was a dry skeleton. The shock caused Banjo to just miss screaming. "Kimberly was some poor girl who died in an explosion a few years ago. The fiftieth anniversary, is today, actually. During the Ten-Year War, an enemy shot her down. I was trapped in her body, while my own body lay unconscious in a hospital somewhere. Now-" She cut herself off. "I have to go... my friends need me."

"Wait!" cried Banjo, "where do I know you from?"

"I'm someone you knew... from your past... I loved you..." and with that, the bear disappeared. As she did so, the walls began shaking. Huge boulders crashed from the ceiling onto the ground. Laying Kazooie gently in his backpack, he realized that he had to find his friends!


	4. Bittersweet escape.

PART 4: Bittersweet Escape.

Mumbo sighed. "Mumbo go to market, buy totem pole, worm, spell book- g-g-ground s-start s-shaking!"

"T-that's not r-right!" cried Bottles, "it's s-s-spell b-book, c-car-"

"N-no! G-g-ground s-shaking! H-have t-to e-escape!" Mumbo lifted his wand. For some reason, his magic had been neutralized when he had awoken locked in a jar. Now, he prayed that it would work, because if it didn't... a gigantic piece of the ceiling just missed the two jars. The shaman gulped. Raising his wand, he attempted to gather enough magical energy to crack the glass jar... his wand didn't even spark. Mumbo tried a second time. The wand suddenly sprang to life and the entire jar shattered. Immediately, Mumbo felt himself enlarge to his original size. Grabbing the jar which contained Bottles, the shaman opened the door and escape. As he left, the roof of the room collapsed, completely crushing the shelf on which himself and Bottles had been just earlier.

"Whew," thought Mumbo. As he was leaving, he suddenly saw a trap door begin shaking. Using his magic, he broke it easily. A familiar voice beckoned him. 

"Mumbo! Help!" Reaching into the trap door, Mumbo, with much sweat, blood, etc, managed to pull a cage up by its handle. Inside, Tooty, not exactly all for being crushed under tons of rock, sighed in relief. Blasting the cage open with his wand, the escaping threesome quickly left the room.

Banjo swallowed. Kazooie was bleeding until the backpack was soaked with blood. "Kazooie? Are you ok?"

"That depends..." she coughed and red spurted from her beak. "...am I SUPPOSED to be coughing up blood?" Her voice was too weak to tell what tone she used, but somehow, Banjo suspected that she wasn't very pleased with him. A gurgling sound rose up from her chest, making him feel nauseated. Mumbo, Tooty and Bottles found him tearfully clutching Kazooie's bleeding body.

"Breegull not look well. Much red."

"Ewww... what happened?" said Tooty, turning a bit green.

"The feather dusters looks like she got hit by a truck. (Again.)"

Kazooie spat a mouthful of blood at him. "Thanks for the compliment; I'll remember that next time I'm carrying an instrument capable of inflicting... GASP! much bodily harm."

Mumbo realized at some point that not only wasn't all this sarcasm getting them anywhere, they could be killed if they stayed here arguing. Using his very useful magic, the shaman turned a few of the pieces of debris into bumper carts..

"Mumbo and loudmouth and mole and bears jump in. Leave before turn pancake." Banjo carried Kazooie to a bumper car and lead them off at full speed, normal for most people attempting to escape certain death. Lucky him that he remembered the layout of the place, or they would have been in some real trouble. Driving at a speed to make any grouchy, no-life police officer cry in frustration the fivesome arrived at a great door. A sign high above the door read, "CENTER GATE." Mumbo tried to blast the door, but this probably wasn't the best course of action. You see, the door didn't take to well to Mumbo's attack, so it richocheted the magic off of it. The magic, in turn, richocheted off of the walls, under- yes under Bottles, who just barely managed to jump it, through- darn it, I DID say through- Tooty, changing her almost simultaneously from bear to ant to bear again. The spell bounced off of the door again, almost into Banjo, who just barely managed to duck it, into the wall and finally, into Mumbo's wand.

The force of the spell knocked Mumbo back a few feet... right under a quickly approaching and extremely huge piece of ceiling! "Mumbo!!!"

"Watch out!" Mumbo looked up.

"Uh, oh..." Mumbo tried to get away, and almost too late, as it came down just one inch away from him. The shaman nearly fainted with relief.

There was still, however, the problem of getting out. The walls were collapsing, so there was no time to waste! Kazooie weakly tapped Banjo's chest. "Hey, Banjo. Try using this key in the keyhole. It's supposed to open a center gate or summin."

The hairs on Tooty's back stood up. "Kazooie... maybe-"

Bottles looked up at the sign. "Try telling us that before Mumbo nearly got killed, please?"

Kazooie shot back. "Oh, sure... I remember keys given to me by mysterious dying old men after losing litres of blood ALL the time." Banjo stared up. In what was supposed to be a quick appeal to God, he realized that the entire roof was cracking... loosening.. falling down!!!! Grabbing the key from Kazooie's wing, the bear slipped it into the door and kicked it open. He grabbed the breegull's body, and made his way out.

Too close. As soon as the last exiter had left, the entire building collapsed.

Banjo sighed, exhausted and put Kazooie down on the grass. The entire building was crushed to bits... no one could have survived that. Banjo gave a gulp. Although Kazooie and the others had not seen much of the building, the bear knew that inside, many other slaves had been trapped in the falling rubble. Suddenly, out of the small nooks and crannies in the torture school, a few men and boys, of different sizes and species, crept out. A few looked freighted, but no worse off for wear.The shackles on their wrists fell off, and just like that, they began disappearing. Banjo blinked.

A small puppy-thing with wings ran up to Banjo, Bottles, Mumbo, Tooty and Kazooie and licked Kazooie's wing.

"Hiya... kid," gasped Kazooie. The puppy whined.

"I hope you'll be okay, Miss." He looked up at Banjo. "Miss saved my life from the mean, ol' people inside. No I can go home to the rest of the cavianines! G'bye, Miss!"

Kazooie scoffed. "Whatever."

Tooty and Banjo waved, "Good bye, weirdo birdy-puppy thing."

Mumbo waved, "Bye, canine feathered one." Bottles just stared as they, too, disappeared and re-appeared back in Spiral Mountain.

The escape, however, had been bitter-sweet. For in order to get that escape... Kazooie's eyes stared up into the sky. "Hey, Dirt-devil. Heaven has a Jacuzzi... and a free bird-seed stand..." Bottles stared at her. Kazooie had lost a lot of blood. She was mumbling, not quite staring at anything, just staring. And the breegull began having a long conversation about random topics. But a sentence caught Banjo's attention. "...and Banjo? There's some fuzzball... looks kinda like you..."

The bear looked around in fear. "Kazooie's dying!!"

"Say WHAT?!?!"

"Kazooie, just hang on. You're gonna get help, okay?"

"Free... birdseed," said Kazooie, and passed out.


	5. All through the night. (& Epilogue)

Part 5: All through the night...

Banjo paced the floor. In front of him, walked. In front of him, waddled Bottles. In front of Bottles, Tooty skip-walked, following Banjo. After Kazooie had passed out, they had rushed to the nearest hospital, where she had been admitted to the ER. Now, she was in ICU (Intensive Care Unit), and Banjo, Tooty, Bottles and Mumbo awaited some news, although the latter two would rather have had their teeth pulled than admit to Kazooie that they had paced the hospital floor for fear of her safety. Afterall, Kazooie had this bad habit of holding things like that over people's heads like a one ton weight. After about an hour of this parade, a nurse opened the door.

"Well, I'm Nurse Agnes and-" she began, but was rudely interrupted.

"What happen to bird?!"

"Is she alive?!"

"Will she make it?!"

"Is Kazooie okay?!"

The woman had to cover her ears or risk going deaf. "OKAY!! I have only ONE pair of ears today (and every other day, for that matter). Your very good friend-" She paused at a few half embarrassed looks from Bottles and Mumbo. "-has a fifty-fifty chance. The first night is always the hardest, though- if she makes it through , she'll definitely make it. You can see her-" Nurse Agnes barred the door and glared. "-but you have to be QUIET!"

Bottles looked at her. "Well?"

"Well what?" said the nurse.

"MOVE OUT-"

"Shhhh!"

"Sorry. Will you move out of the way?"

She VERY hesitantly allowed the group to pass.

It was a very strange thing to see Kazooie lying down so quietly in the hospital bed, wrapped in bedclothes. The very same hyper-active Kazooie who had once given Banjo a headache with her beak, and, as Bottles put it, "Made Advil and Tylenol a fortune." The same Kazooie who was always threatening to "stick Mumbo wand somewhere." and who had once tried to give Tooty swimming lessons by shoving her unceremoniously into the waterfall on Spiral Mountain- yes, THAT Kazooie- looked so peaceful and vulnerable sleeping there, she could almost have passed for innocent-looking. Well... almost. The doctor, Doctor Pup, (quite unoriginal since he was a golden retriever) entered, laden with charts.

"So basically what we have is-" he held up an x-ray picture "- if you'll see here, several ribs have been broken. Her left lung was pierced, and we had to remove several pieces of shrapnel from her. She definitely has some internal damage." he winced in his mind remembering the two inch piece of pottery he removed from the breegull's back. "If she makes it through tonight, she'll definitely live... but remember, there's always a change that... what I'm trying to say is..."

"Stop trying and say it!" said Bottles. Everyone looked at him in shock, but the doctor seemed not to have noticed. He quieted the group down with four words:

"prepare for the worst."

It was midnight. Tooty and Banjo were the only ones awake so far, an extremely rare occurrence. Banjo couldn't help feeling the irony: that every morning, Kazooie was always awake, and he was always sleeping, and now, the roles had been quickly reversed. Banjo stared up at the clock again: about one minute after the time he had last checked it. Four hours. Four hours sitting down, anxiously watching Kazooie's body to see if it would move. Fat chance, though, since Dr. Pup had given Kazooie just enough anaesthetic to send an elephant to dreamland. The worst part was, she probably needed it. Her left wing was bandaged, and so was her chest. A plastic tube lead to a plastic cup over her beak. A heart monitor let out an annoying beep every two seconds. Another minute passed.

Whatever Banjo had been drinking to stay awake all that time ran out, leaving Tooty as the only one awake. 1 am. Kazooie still hadn't awaken, although it wasn't too possible that she would any time soon. A nurse entered, looked at the monitor, wrote something on a notepad and left. Her eyes were glazed over, much like someone who had been existing on coffee and managed to do chores without actually being awake. 2 am... 3 am.... ZZzzzz.... Tooty didn't stay awake long enough to see 4 am.

That morning, Kazooie managed to pull herself out of the sleep which she had been totally engulfed in. "I... feel... like... $#^$." were the first words out of her beak. A nurse was very quietly watching her. At this, Kazooie attempted to sit up and learned an important lesson: broken ribs and sudden movements don't mix. "What... the...?"

"Good Morning!" chirruped Nurse Joy (No, not THAT Nurse Joy and you know it). "You must rest!"

"Fair enough..." said Kazooie, and re-entered sleep. Nurse Joy gently woke the others.

"It's morning! Time to wake up!" Mumbo awoke.

"Urgh. Who wake Mumbo?!"

"I'm Nurse Joy!"

Tooty rubbed her eyes. "I thought you were at the Pokem-"

"Oh, sure! Give HER all the credit! There are other nurses named Joy, you know!!! I should have been in Pokemon- ME!!! DO YOU HEAR ME?!?! I SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN POKEMON!!!! Beware Nintendo, I plot my revenge!!!!" Nurse Joy ran off, cackling maniacally.

Bottles shrugged. "OoooKAAAY... Who rung HER bell?"

"To tell the truth, I have no idea," said Banjo circling his finger around his head.

The not-as-joyful Nurse Agnes from yesterday entered the room and sighed. "Oh, dear... Nurse Joy has snapped again. Tenth time this week."

Banjo nodded.

"Oh, your friend? She's alive, so she'll live. However, I suggest you leave and let the patient rest. Now if you'll excuse me," she said, loading a tranquilizer gun, "I must retrieve Nurse Joy."

A few minutes later, Banjo, Mumbo, Bottles and Tooty left, went to their respective homes and did their respective morning activities. However, Banjo returned to the hospital that afternoon, carrying with him a rather thick book.

"Hello, Kazooie," said Banjo, setting the chair by the bed. Kazooie looked at him, then at the food in her tray. She was supposed to be eating it, unfortunately. So far, Nurse Agnes (who did not retrieve Nurse Joy, by the way) had already threatened to stuff it down her beak about three times for the afternoon. Banjo noticed the food as well. "Whatcha eating?"

Kazooie poked it with a plastic fork. "I think it's plaster from the ceiling combined with that putrid milk behind the fridge and glazed with the contents of the toilet."

The bear raised an eyebrow. "Oh. In other words, it's hospital food."

"Exactly."

"So how are you fee-"

"If you know what's good for you, fur-ball, you won't ask."

The bear nodded. Cheerful as always, that Kazooie. "Bottles, Mumbo and Tooty stayed with you during the night. You had us all worried."

"How touching. Just wait 'till I meet up with them-"

"Kazooie! They were really worried!"

"Sorry." Banjo looked up at the TV and turned it off, noting the news reports: "A woman named Nurse Joy Petrowski has been arrested for attempting to plant a bomb in the home of Mr. Shigeru Myamoto."

Kazooie looked up at him. "What'd you do that for?"

"I want to read you something." Kazooie made a face.

"I'm not really in the mood to hear-"

Banjo exposed a red and white box. "Kentucky Fried Beetles."

Kazooie looked from the box to the tray on her lap. With her good wing, Kazooie shoved the tray under the bed. "Read."

"Somehow, I knew you'd say that!" He showed Kazooie the the book he was holding. It read,

"Kimberly Shanice Real: The Real SLIM Heroine (1934-1950)" Kazooie raised an eyebrow. "Now I KNOW you buy too much garbage. Eminut was-"

"-Killed fifty years ago. I'll tell you later." Banjo opened the book to the first page and read,

"Kimberly Shanice Real was born on the 5th of August, 1934 to Mr. Sandon Real and Shannon Real. From the time of her birth, it was known that Kimberly would one day be a great hero, just like her mother, who also died defending her country. By her thirteenth birthday, Kimberly was already spying under Social Lobbyist for Independent Minds (SLIM), an organization fighting the dictatorship under which Spiral Mountain used to be ruled...."

~Epilogue~

Ah, the eva-lovin', eva-tellin' epilogue. Here it comes!

Banjo eventually finished reading "Kimberly Shanice Real: The Real SLIM Heroine" to Kazooie. Kazooie left the hospital several months later, and was soon reasonably back to normal, except that she now knew something about Spiral Mountainian history. Neither Bottles nor Mumbo ever admitted to having visited Kazooie in the hospital. Afterall, they had reputations to keep. The puppy with wings (a.k.a the avianine) won a story-telling contest with the story, "The Tale of the Strange Red Miss Who Only Had Two Legs". Nurse Agnes was hired by Rareware to shoot rabid animals, for some unknown reason. Doctor Pup performed his first open-heart surgery and earned millions. Nurse Joy (I said, not THAT Nurse Joy- Joy Petrowski!) made millions and went on Opera with a book entitled, "How Nurse Joy from Pokemon Ruined My Life". And the mysterious girl from Banjo's past? Nyah, nyah, I'm not telling! 

{Author's Notes: You'll notice that I never DID say whether or not Kazooie was jealous or wary of Kimberly. Maybe Kazooie loves Banjo, maybe not. Frankly (I believe, that is), if Kazooie had a crush on Banjo, she probably would never say. So this'll have to be one of those "Tootsie Roll" things: the world may never know.}


End file.
